The Voluntary Prison

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Earlier I was trapped. But now, I chose it, I chose The Voluntary Prison, it became an integral part of me. I can’t leave it and I can’t stay inside it. It’s in my chest, it’s in my head. It’s tying my tongue, and my voice. I can’t spell it out, it’s all imprisoned inside. I’m saying no to myself, and I can’t speak with others. They hear me, but they can’t really listen. I’m losing the connection with them and with myself. Life is becoming a cliché, we think that we’re living, but we’re actually dying, dying every day by killing a part of ourselves, thinking that this gives us life, but it’s taking life away. When I cry it feels like a window is open, and some air gets inside, I can breathe a bit. So, I cried, I cried a lot. But the door was closed again, keeping me inside without air and without life. A part of me is dying, and it’s very painful!

Mena M. Eissa

Trapped!

I feel trapped and lonely. Lonely inside myself, like it’s never ending. I know that nothing is forever lasting, this gives hope to my mind, but not to my heart.

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I want to cry, but I can’t, it’s difficult, like all feelings have stopped, all feelings are strangled inside me. I wonder if any one really cares about me. As if no one can see or hear me. As if I’m a shadow that doesn’t exist.

Doing many things without my soul. I exist in silence, as if I don’t exist. I feel lost not knowing what I want, what would make me feel better. Conflicting thoughts and feelings between being blessed, feeling grateful and content, but not wanting to continue in this world. I wish for the day when I vanish, when I seize to exist, and I fear it and I fear regretting these feelings because there might be something in this life worth living for. I pray to God to forgive me for these feelings, I can’t have them without feeling guilty. Am I lying to myself? Why do I have this disconnect? What should I do to get out of this trap? Why can’t I just let it be, and just move with the flow?

Everything is fine, the beast is inside my head. It takes control of me and it makes me feel unhappy.

Oh God! I need help. Please forgive me.

Mena M. Eissa

Return of the Beast

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For some years, it was quiet here. I didn't express the inside, because the internal war moved to the outside world. Years of struggles, trying to recover, thinking the wounds were healed, and finally finding out that the enemy, the rebellion, the soldier, the wounded, the dreamer, the mind and the soul are still fighting inside. We need a truce, I need a truce. I'm very exhausted, the defence walls are getting higher and higher no matter how I try to demolish them. They surround me and take me to a deep darker place, and the distance to the outside world is growing. Drowning and trying to find the light again, trying to connect with the outside, trying to take my breath and still feeling lost. Please tell me that I'll be ok, please hug my fears, hug my wounds, hug my tears and hug me. Make me feel safe, help me, the Beast is back. And this time I’m stronger than before but he’s stronger than me.

Mena M. Eissa

Patience

Running… running… and running… For years, I’ve been running… just to discover I was running in the wrong direction in the wrong track… Very desperate and very unhappy… I fell down… exhausted… can’t get up as usual after each fall… not sure I can resume running again this time… it is different, I know it… I still can’t take my breath… worried about the next step… Where should I put my feet in this round? Should I take another track in the same road or completely change the road… I got used to this road… its pitfalls… difficulties… and accidents… I know I’ll miss it a lot… it’s been the road of my life… but it seems I wasted my whole life in it thinking I was doing something… too bad to discover this now… but actually better than not at all… all I need now is some light… deep thinking… and… Patience! And I know I’ll find the road.


Mena Mostafa

Master Server

In the world of digitals, servers are the most important citizens, they are looked at as the governors of the universe… they are always maintained, backed up, upgraded and fed with data and power… On the contrary, in the world of humans… servers are the most despised, very maltreated, easily replaced and forgotten citizens… Human servers can’t be masters and masters can’t live without these servers, they fully depend on them… though they don’t respect them and they deprive them from their rights… Human servers are oppressed and always feel insecure… they know their importance though they can’t do anything to get their rights… rebelling can’t help them because they are servers… A digital server is a highly weighted and worshiped server… It is a Master Server… A digital server is much more important than a human one! How can we live with such contradictions and unfairness?!

Mena Mostafa

Pyramid

It took years and years to build the Pyramids… it took the effort of many people and robbed the lives of many others… Workers who participated in this great state of the art eternal structure may have not been aware of what it will be in the future, they gave their lives to it or maybe they were forced to… Anyways, we don’t know any of them now, we just know what they did… I keep asking myself about those who died without seeing the end result of their efforts… Did they succeed? Did they fail? Should they have done what they have done? Who gets the credit for this effort? Who remembers any of them? Many people in our contemporary life strive to do good things… they don’t chase fame… they just seek their right of seeing, feeling and enjoying the outcome of their efforts… Contemplating the Pyramids they gave their lives for… I keep putting a brick over another… years have passed… I am not sure whether I am working on the right pyramid or not… and I am not sure I will live to see the results of my work… Though… I keep carrying bricks… hoping one day there will be a Pyramid!

Mena Mostafa

The Real Friend

There was a time when I thought I had friends… real friends… and now, I feel very lonely again… with no one around but sad feelings and lost thoughts about a life I “still” can’t live… and I “still” imagine I can have… I struggle every day thinking that the people I am striving to keep happy appreciate this… actually, no body appreciates anything… and the people we meet today are meant to leave tomorrow… it’s not only a matter of trust, it’s much more than this… I look at people’s eyes in a very strange way nowadays… and I try to send them messages saying that we’re not meant to know each other for more than a specified period of time… I can’t imagine where I’ll be in the next couple of years, I can’t even visualize my tomorrow… all what I know is that people I meet today won’t be here tomorrow… I keep looking around for unknown persons thinking they will be different while knowing they won’t! I started believing that my sole friend… The Real Friend should be me!

Mena Mostafa