Deception

People… people… people… and me…I keep meeting strange people that I trust and love… and then get betrayed… Too much confidence in people who don’t deserve it… I can’t trust people any more… I am shocked… and astonished how some people may deceive others this way… every time I believe someone or in someone… I suddenly discover that I believed a very big lie… and that this person is not different than any other “deceiver”… I can’t even trust myself now… I keep receiving a shock after the other and I still can’t learn nor understand people and their real motives and intentions… I really don’t and can’t understand… and again I feel stupid and not qualified to be entitled as a human living among others… Will I ever be able to understand and to stop believing wrong people?! Or will I always live in the Deception area?

“We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves”!! Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Mena Mostafa

Satisfied

“If I can only have this or that”… “I’ll own the world if I can have it”… Most of the times we look at the things we don’t have thinking that it will be everything in the world if we have them… and at the same time, we forget about the things we already have and we despise their value… we ignore their real value and we always pursue our dreams or unattainable things… we’re never Satisfied although if we had a life other than ours we won’t really be happy… I felt broken when I thought about the things I don’t have and at the same time, I didn’t want to sacrifice any of the things I have in exchange… weird, I hated myself most when I reached this way in thinking… One can never be Satisfied even if he really owns the world! We always need… want… and chase… we don’t stop to think till we die… and at this moment, only at this moment, we see the results of the choices and sacrifices we made to get these things. By the way, after a very long and deep thinking, I am Satisfied now… though I still feel some bitterness! May God forgive me for this.

Mena Mostafa

Too Weak to Be True

I've been weaker before… there were moments when I thought I am about to fall and to break down and never come back in one piece… though thanks to God I passed these very hard moments… but this time, it is different, I feel weak and… weak… yah, kind of double weakness, I don’t understand what I feel and I don’t know how to express this feeling in words… I feel that time is repeating itself… and with every repetition there are new faces… events are the same… though I still can’t digest the truth and I can’t live with it… I got used to what happens to me and though I can’t adapt… every time I find myself more and more lost and not able to understand and to cope… and finally and as usual… the only and the easiest solution is to run… run to the nowhere to find a lost self at the end… I am… Too Weak to Be True!

“It's ironic that in life, the person that brings out the best in you and the one that makes you strong is actually your weakness”, unknown author.

Mena Mostafa

Who, What & When?!

“Who are you?”… “What do you like?”… “What do you want?”… the program host asked these three questions… I was part of the audience… I can’t remember hearing anything after these questions… I just kept thinking and thinking… It’s been almost a week now and I still can’t find the answer… any answer… I keep digging profounder and diving deeper… and still can’t get or find anything… As much as these questions might look simple and maybe stupid… and as many people can think of them as very straightforward ones and can answer them without effort… I find myself helpless… speechless and lost… I really don’t know the answer… All I can do now is adding a fourth question to the list… “When will I be able to answer?”!

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." James Thurber

Mena Mostafa

Self-Confidence

Amongst the things I miss the most is Self-Confidence… Although it might not be that obvious to many people, I can feel it deep inside and I can’t get rid of this stupid feeling which makes me very self-centric inside and very others-centric outside… It’s weird how self-contradicting people can be… it’s the self that I don’t and can’t understand… it’s the self that I’m running from to face everywhere… I can’t escape and I can’t be a friend or pretend having friendship with it… It’s hard to be living with your enemy… especially when it is yourself… Even if I do trust “her” and even I have confidence in “her”… I wonder if “her” is “me”, can we be one?!!


Mena Mostafa

Appointment

Only 30 minutes remaining… and I am not sure when I will be able to see her again… I didn’t know what to say… I couldn’t even speak… I just kept looking at her and thinking about the remaining time… I then switched to thinking about when we’ll leave this life… we don’t know the exact time… not even something near that time… we just live and we don’t think… we forget the most important Appointment in our life and we know nothing about it… and do nothing for it… I kept staring and thinking… my throat was pushing my tongue to say something and I couldn’t… I was suffocating… my mind with my thoughts… and my heart with my feelings… She was starting a new life… and I was starting a new end… all what I know is that I walked her to her car… said good bye… and turned around with an eye full of tears… I will miss her… and I’ll keep praying for her to come back safe.


Mena Mostafa

Contradictions

It’s between what you want, what you are and what you will be… And it’s been since a very long time, I don’t remember from when exactly, but this is one of the most close feelings to me… it keeps accompanying me everywhere… and I can’t get rid of it… Maybe it is due to how I was raised… the different cultures I was exposed to since my early years… then the different and total changes that happened to me later on… Most of the times I don’t know who I am and what I really want… I keep thinking about the things I did… though I don’t regret them… I terribly feel self-contradicting… and this feeling extended itself to others… I feel that people around me are more self-contradicting… unpredictable and totally un-understandable. I don’t know… is it me or the Others?! Am I a part of this chaos or apart from it? I really don’t know… just Contradictions!

Mena Mostafa