Self-Confidence

Amongst the things I miss the most is Self-Confidence… Although it might not be that obvious to many people, I can feel it deep inside and I can’t get rid of this stupid feeling which makes me very self-centric inside and very others-centric outside… It’s weird how self-contradicting people can be… it’s the self that I don’t and can’t understand… it’s the self that I’m running from to face everywhere… I can’t escape and I can’t be a friend or pretend having friendship with it… It’s hard to be living with your enemy… especially when it is yourself… Even if I do trust “her” and even I have confidence in “her”… I wonder if “her” is “me”, can we be one?!!


Mena Mostafa

Appointment

Only 30 minutes remaining… and I am not sure when I will be able to see her again… I didn’t know what to say… I couldn’t even speak… I just kept looking at her and thinking about the remaining time… I then switched to thinking about when we’ll leave this life… we don’t know the exact time… not even something near that time… we just live and we don’t think… we forget the most important Appointment in our life and we know nothing about it… and do nothing for it… I kept staring and thinking… my throat was pushing my tongue to say something and I couldn’t… I was suffocating… my mind with my thoughts… and my heart with my feelings… She was starting a new life… and I was starting a new end… all what I know is that I walked her to her car… said good bye… and turned around with an eye full of tears… I will miss her… and I’ll keep praying for her to come back safe.


Mena Mostafa

Contradictions

It’s between what you want, what you are and what you will be… And it’s been since a very long time, I don’t remember from when exactly, but this is one of the most close feelings to me… it keeps accompanying me everywhere… and I can’t get rid of it… Maybe it is due to how I was raised… the different cultures I was exposed to since my early years… then the different and total changes that happened to me later on… Most of the times I don’t know who I am and what I really want… I keep thinking about the things I did… though I don’t regret them… I terribly feel self-contradicting… and this feeling extended itself to others… I feel that people around me are more self-contradicting… unpredictable and totally un-understandable. I don’t know… is it me or the Others?! Am I a part of this chaos or apart from it? I really don’t know… just Contradictions!

Mena Mostafa

Desperate

  
I find it weird how small “issues” upset people in dramatic ways… while other people are being killed and have much more bigger “issues”… Why do I always find myself walking in the opposite direction of most people and always colliding with them?! Why can’t I submit and live my life as others do without paying great attention to such minor “issues”? Why do I wake up every morning imagining that the world will change… that things will be different… and to my surprise, nothing changes, everything is just the same… as expected!! I wish I wake up some day to find myself someone else… Yes, it is me who should be changed as nothing else will! I am my problem! I admit this… and I admit being passive and… Desperate! Oh, God…

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars", Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Mena Mostafa

At This Age

Years ago… when we were very very young… almost able to pronounce some words… and feel proud about this great achievement though we wrongly pronounced most of the words… We used to ask questions to uncover the mysteries surrounding us and to explore a whole new world imagining that our discoveries were great steps in the advancement of humanity… Grownups used to laugh at these discoveries and to watch our persistent trials to reach the answers of our innocent questions… Some years later… when we grew up… our questions grew up and matured with us… they became of real value to the world… during this time… our inquiries were like burdens on our shoulders… we’re responsible now... Some years later… we’ll keep asking, but our questions will be out of insecure lonely and worried feelings and fear… our questions will be kind of frustrating and boring for the young grownups… They won’t laugh at these questions… they won’t help us to correctly pronounce or remember the words we’ll forget… Do you have someone to bear answering your repeated boring and frustrating questions At This Age?

Mena Mostafa

Colors

Azure clear sky… red vivid roses … green high trees… blue calm seas… yellow soft sand… tender wind… white nice people… shiny clean streets… light, laughs and love everywhere… I have wings carrying me to all places… there is a pure smile on my face… I have no problems… I am not just content, I am happy too… I know my way… I love tomorrow… and cherish today… I can sleep with no fear… not worrying about the future… Basic, primitive and simple life… with no complications, barriers, anxieties, burdens… A life where you don’t want to close your eyes in order not to miss a moment of beauty… An encouraging life to think and to be creative in… a life that makes you feel like a human… A life that can be “lived” and that can be called “life”… A life with Colors other than the black… There is no harm in dreaming except waking up and living the next “colorless” day(s)!

Mena Mostafa

Death of a Fighter

Heroes may exist, but not on the ground of “reality”… Values… meanings of right and wrong vary and greatly differ depending on the side from which they are watched from, the time and the situation… I’ve been trying to convince myself to look at things just as others do… and I always used to see something different… and I was never happy with what I saw… I then tried to convince myself to be like others… and I failed… I tried to cope and to accept what they see “normal” and I also failed… and from failure to the other, I became ill, then got used to it… and while trying to find the root cause of my disease, I found myself lost… all the way in disagreement with my other selves…For quite some time now, I’ve been fighting with one of my selves… and it finally and gracefully passed away to leave the space for another less trouble making self… may it rest in peace and never come back… The Fighter is Dead.

Mena Mostafa