I feel trapped and lonely. Lonely inside myself, like it’s never ending. I know that nothing is forever lasting, this gives hope to my mind, but not to my heart.
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I want to cry, but I can’t, it’s difficult, like all feelings have stopped, all feelings are strangled inside me. I wonder if any one really cares about me. As if no one can see or hear me. As if I’m a shadow that doesn’t exist.
Doing many things without my soul. I exist in silence, as if I don’t exist. I feel lost not knowing what I want, what would make me feel better. Conflicting thoughts and feelings between being blessed, feeling grateful and content, but not wanting to continue in this world. I wish for the day when I vanish, when I seize to exist, and I fear it and I fear regretting these feelings because there might be something in this life worth living for. I pray to God to forgive me for these feelings, I can’t have them without feeling guilty. Am I lying to myself? Why do I have this disconnect? What should I do to get out of this trap? Why can’t I just let it be, and just move with the flow?
Everything is fine, the beast is inside my head. It takes control of me and it makes me feel unhappy.
Oh God! I need help. Please forgive me.
Mena M. Eissa
