Saturday, March 05, 2011

Patience


Running… running… and running… For years, I’ve been running… just to discover I was running in the wrong direction in the wrong track… Very desperate and very unhappy… I fell down… exhausted… can’t get up as usual after each fall… not sure I can resume running again this time… it is different, I know it… I still can’t take my breath… worried about the next step… Where should I put my feet in this round? Should I take another track in the same road or completely change the road… I got used to this road… its pitfalls… difficulties… and accidents… I know I’ll miss it a lot… it’s been the road of my life… but it seems I wasted my whole life in it thinking I was doing something… too bad to discover this now… but actually better than not at all… all I need now is some light… deep thinking… and… Patience! And I know I’ll find the road.


Mena Mostafa

Monday, January 24, 2011

Master Server


In the world of digitals, servers are the most important citizens, they are looked at as the governors of the universe… they are always maintained, backed up, upgraded and fed with data and power… On the contrary, in the world of humans… servers are the most despised, very maltreated, easily replaced and forgotten citizens… Human servers can’t be masters and masters can’t live without these servers, they fully depend on them… though they don’t respect them and they deprive them from their rights… Human servers are oppressed and always feel insecure… they know their importance though they can’t do anything to get their rights… rebelling can’t help them because they are servers… A digital server is a highly weighted and worshiped server… It is a Master Server… A digital server is much more important than a human one! How can we live with such contradictions and unfairness?!

Mena Mostafa

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Pyramid


It took years and years to build the Pyramids… it took the effort of many people and robbed the lives of many others… Workers who participated in this great state of the art eternal structure may have not been aware of what it will be in the future, they gave their lives to it or maybe they were forced to… Anyways, we don’t know any of them now, we just know what they did… I keep asking myself about those who died without seeing the end result of their efforts… Did they succeed? Did they fail? Should they have done what they have done? Who gets the credit for this effort? Who remembers any of them? Many people in our contemporary life strive to do good things… they don’t chase fame… they just seek their right of seeing, feeling and enjoying the outcome of their efforts… Contemplating the Pyramids they gave their lives for… I keep putting a brick over another… years have passed… I am not sure whether I am working on the right pyramid or not… and I am not sure I will live to see the results of my work… Though… I keep carrying bricks… hoping one day there will be a Pyramid!

Mena Mostafa

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

The Real Friend


There was a time when I thought I had friends… real friends… and now, I feel very lonely again… with no one around but sad feelings and lost thoughts about a life I “still” can’t live… and I “still” imagine I can have… I struggle every day thinking that the people I am striving to keep happy appreciate this… actually, no body appreciates anything… and the people we meet today are meant to leave tomorrow… it’s not only a matter of trust, it’s much more than this… I look at people’s eyes in a very strange way nowadays… and I try to send them messages saying that we’re not meant to know each other for more than a specified period of time… I can’t imagine where I’ll be in the next couple of years, I can’t even visualize my tomorrow… all what I know is that people I meet today won’t be here tomorrow… I keep looking around for unknown persons thinking they will be different while knowing they won’t! I started believing that my sole friend… The Real Friend should be me!

Mena Mostafa

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Deception


People… people… people… and me…I keep meeting strange people that I trust and love… and then get betrayed… Too much confidence in people who don’t deserve it… I can’t trust people any more… I am shocked… and astonished how some people may deceive others this way… every time I believe someone or in someone… I suddenly discover that I believed a very big lie… and that this person is not different than any other “deceiver”… I can’t even trust myself now… I keep receiving a shock after the other and I still can’t learn nor understand people and their real motives and intentions… I really don’t and can’t understand… and again I feel stupid and not qualified to be entitled as a human living among others… Will I ever be able to understand and to stop believing wrong people?! Or will I always live in the Deception area?
We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves”!! Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Mena Mostafa

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Satisfied


If I can only have this or that”… “I’ll own the world if I can have it”… Most of the times we look at the things we don’t have thinking that it will be everything in the world if we have them… and at the same time, we forget about the things we already have and we despise their value… we ignore their real value and we always pursue our dreams or unattainable things… we’re never Satisfied although if we had a life other than ours we won’t really be happy… I felt broken when I thought about the things I don’t have and at the same time, I didn’t want to sacrifice any of the things I have in exchange… weird, I hated myself most when I reached this way in thinking… One can never be Satisfied even if he really owns the world! We always need… want… and chase… we don’t stop to think till we die… and at this moment, only at this moment, we see the results of the choices and sacrifices we made to get these things. By the way, after a very long and deep thinking, I am Satisfied now… though I still feel some bitterness! May God forgive me for this.

Mena Mostafa

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Too Weak to Be True



I've been weaker before… there were moments when I thought I am about to fall and to break down and never come back in one piece… though thanks to God I passed these very hard moments… but this time, it is different, I feel weak and… weak… yah, kind of double weakness, I don’t understand what I feel and I don’t know how to express this feeling in words… I feel that time is repeating itself… and with every repetition there are new faces… events are the same… though I still can’t digest the truth and I can’t live with it… I got used to what happens to me and though I can’t adapt… every time I find myself more and more lost and not able to understand and to cope… and finally and as usual… the only and the easiest solution is to run… run to the nowhere to find a lost self at the end… I am… Too Weak to Be True!
It's ironic that in life, the person that brings out the best in you and the one that makes you strong is actually your weakness”, unknown author.

Mena Mostafa

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Who, What & When?!




Who are you?”… “What do you like?”… “What do you want?”… the program host asked these three questions… I was part of the audience… I can’t remember hearing anything after these questions… I just kept thinking and thinking… It’s been almost a week now and I still can’t find the answer… any answer… I keep digging profounder and diving deeper… and still can’t get or find anything… As much as these questions might look simple and maybe stupid… and as many people can think of them as very straightforward ones and can answer them without effort… I find myself helpless… speechless and lost… I really don’t know the answer… All I can do now is adding a fourth question to the list… “When will I be able to answer?”!

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." James Thurber

Mena Mostafa

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Self-Confidence


Amongst the things I miss the most is Self-Confidence… Although it might not be that obvious to many people, I can feel it deep inside and I can’t get rid of this stupid feeling which makes me very self-centric inside and very others-centric outside… It’s weird how self-contradicting people can be… it’s the self that I don’t and can’t understand… it’s the self that I’m running from to face everywhere… I can’t escape and I can’t be a friend or pretend having friendship with it… It’s hard to be living with your enemy… especially when it is yourself… Even if I do trust “her” and even I have confidence in “her”… I wonder if “her” is “me”, can we be one?!!


Mena Mostafa

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Appointment



Only 30 minutes remaining… and I am not sure when I will be able to see her again… I didn’t know what to say… I couldn’t even speak… I just kept looking at her and thinking about the remaining time… I then switched to thinking about when we’ll leave this life… we don’t know the exact time… not even something near that time… we just live and we don’t think… we forget the most important Appointment in our life and we know nothing about it… and do nothing for it… I kept staring and thinking… my throat was pushing my tongue to say something and I couldn’t… I was suffocating… my mind with my thoughts… and my heart with my feelings… She was starting a new life… and I was starting a new end… all what I know is that I walked her to her car… said good bye… and turned around with an eye full of tears… I will miss her… and I’ll keep praying for her to come back safe.


Mena Mostafa

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Contradictions


It’s between what you want, what you are and what you will be… And it’s been since a very long time, I don’t remember from when exactly, but this is one of the most close feelings to me… it keeps accompanying me everywhere… and I can’t get rid of it… Maybe it is due to how I was raised… the different cultures I was exposed to since my early years… then the different and total changes that happened to me later on… Most of the times I don’t know who I am and what I really want… I keep thinking about the things I did… though I don’t regret them… I terribly feel self-contradicting… and this feeling extended itself to others… I feel that people around me are more self-contradicting… unpredictable and totally un-understandable. I don’t know… is it me or the Others?! Am I a part of this chaos or apart from it? I really don’t know… just
Contradictions!


Mena Mostafa

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Desperate

Desperate  
I find it weird how small “issues” upset people in dramatic ways… while other people are being killed and have much more bigger “issues”… Why do I always find myself walking in the opposite direction of most people and always colliding with them?! Why can’t I submit and live my life as others do without paying great attention to such minor “issues”? Why do I wake up every morning imagining that the world will change… that things will be different… and to my surprise, nothing changes, everything is just the same… as expected!! I wish I wake up some day to find myself someone else… Yes, it is me who should be changed as nothing else will! I am my problem! I admit this… and I admit being passive and… Desperate! Oh, God…

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars", Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Mena Mostafa

Monday, April 19, 2010

At This Age


Years ago… when we were very very young… almost able to pronounce some words… and feel proud about this great achievement though we wrongly pronounced most of the words… We used to ask questions to uncover the mysteries surrounding us and to explore a whole new world imagining that our discoveries were great steps in the advancement of humanity… Grownups used to laugh at these discoveries and to watch our persistent trials to reach the answers of our innocent questions… Some years later… when we grew up… our questions grew up and matured with us… they became of real value to the world… during this time… our inquiries were like burdens on our shoulders… we’re responsible now... Some years later… we’ll keep asking, but our questions will be out of insecure lonely and worried feelings and fear… our questions will be kind of frustrating and boring for the young grownups… They won’t laugh at these questions… they won’t help us to correctly pronounce or remember the words we’ll forget… Do you have someone to bear answering your repeated boring and frustrating questions At This Age?

Mena Mostafa

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Colors


Azure clear sky… red vivid roses … green high trees… blue calm seas… yellow soft sand… tender wind… white nice people… shiny clean streets… light, laughs and love everywhere… I have wings carrying me to all places… there is a pure smile on my face… I have no problems… I am not just content, I am happy too… I know my way… I love tomorrow… and cherish today… I can sleep with no fear… not worrying about the future… Basic, primitive and simple life… with no complications, barriers, anxieties, burdens… A life where you don’t want to close your eyes in order not to miss a moment of beauty… An encouraging life to think and to be creative in… a life that makes you feel like a human… A life that can be “lived” and that can be called “life”… A life with Colors other than the black… There is no harm in dreaming except waking up and living the next “colorless” day(s)!

Mena Mostafa


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Death of a Fighter


Heroes may exist, but not on the ground of “reality”… Values… meanings of right and wrong vary and greatly differ depending on the side from which they are watched from, the time and the situation… I’ve been trying to convince myself to look at things just as others do… and I always used to see something different… and I was never happy with what I saw… I then tried to convince myself to be like others… and I failed… I tried to cope and to accept what they see “normal” and I also failed… and from failure to the other, I became ill, then got used to it… and while trying to find the root cause of my disease, I found myself lost… all the way in disagreement with my other selves…For quite some time now, I’ve been fighting with one of my selves… and it finally and gracefully passed away to leave the space for another less trouble making self… may it rest in peace and never come back… The Fighter is Dead.

Mena Mostafa