Hope

For a while I consider as very long… I have not been able to write… I just feel and think… and believe I am the same… looking at things the same way and always thinking the same… till I lost my appétit to write… which in my opinion is a very bad indicator of boredom and in-adaptation… I can’t change things around me and I myself don’t change… I still suffer... think and suffer more and more… The weird thing is that I am still alive… I don’t know how or why… because sometimes I consider that my life in this world came to an end some time ago… I eat and sleep… and I am living but only in my physical form… not my mental one… I feel I am a dead mind in a live body… I am a partial human… I wonder why I am still there… what keeps me alive… I really don’t know why or how… but I am still there… whether I admit this or not… I want it or not… I exist… for an unknown reason I exist… some people call it… Hope!!

Mena Mostafa

Help

When you feel you are in need for light and you can’t see it… when you feel are drowning and you can’t reach a shore… when you feel you are lost and you don’t have a compass… when you are in need for succor and can’t get it… when you fight all waves to stay on the surface of the water in the middle of a wild storm… when you try to escape from a vortex and find yourself more attracted to the bottom… when you experience all this is and discover you are alone… and the worse is when you feel you don’t even know where to go if you survive… when you experience this is when you decide to surrender… to admit that you can no longer struggle… and you leave yourself to the current… not knowing to where it will lead you… not sure if you’ll wake up on the next day to watch the end… your end… It is when, for an unknown reason and for a fake hope, that you decide to call for Help… and you already know that no one is there for you!

Mena Mostafa

It

It’s ironic to wake up every day, assuming you were mainly asleep and not pretending to be, to find yourself thinking about the same thing and feeling the same way… I can’t stop thinking even while “asleep”… I always stare, watch, analyze, think, deduce and restart this endless loop of not being there while being somewhere with “them”… My fears remain the same… I only think about one thing… and I can’t free my mind of It… and as much as I know and am sure of its inevitability… I am terrified… although I want It very much and I think about It a lot… I am afraid… yes… I am… I can’t talk a lot about It… no one understands what I say or want to say nor how I feel… I even started feeling alone inside myself… the idea is hunting me… I know I am waiting… but for sure I don’t know till when… and I continue sleeping in the night to wake up in the morning to either find myself again or find It.

Mena Mostafa

The Answer

I’ve been asking myself for a long time why do things always look different… Why do I always see and interpret things unlike what “others” perceive, accept and become content and familiar with… I’ve been in this dilemma for a very very long time without reaching a reasonable explanation for what I feel and how I think… I asked myself a lot and finally found a very simple answer… the “simple” answer which in itself is the problem, the explanation, the main reason for keeping my mind blocked and for prohibiting it from understanding what was going on… As we were taught in school, and especially in mathematics… when it becomes very hard to reach a solution, think differently and you’ll always find another very easy way to solve the problem you are facing… And… in my case… with my life’s problems… the only convincing answer proved itself to be much simpler than what I’ve ever thought about… The Answer is that I am walking on my head and this is why I see, interpret, perceive and judge things differently… another rejected-convincing interpretation is that the world is turned upside down… And by the way… “1 + 1 = 2” is a big myth!

Mena Mostafa

Where Am I?

Many of the things I think about these days don’t mature to the level of becoming clear understandable ideas… They just pass by my mind as if they were never there… I can’t analyze them and it seems that I don’t even have the time to learn from them… I have many feelings that I can’t turn into spoken words… Many thoughts are struggling in my mind… and I strangle by the things I can’t say… the things I don’t understand… I feel the same about everything with one single unchanged idea…. Many events… all the same… time passes and things don’t change… always alike and at the same time they somehow look different… not because they really are different but because I tried many times to change the way I look at things… and still I have the same old feeling… I still feel lost in this world… I still can’t find me! And I always wonder… Where Am I?

Mena Mostafa

Destinations

I know I am heading somewhere… but I am not yet sure where exactly this path will lead me to… and I wonder why others are heading the opposite direction… but I keep walking hoping I am right… I sometimes, like now, feel lost… I know where I am but I don’t know where I will be in the next minute… with the next turn in the path… I look back and I see them vanishing away as the distance between us gets further… I can’t imagine what I will see in the next road… but I keep going… I am not afraid because I know I have to go on… but I am always wondering if this is the right path… I am alone in this life walk… although I can see some people walking beside me… but I can’t distinguish their faces or their qualities… they are a bit far away… but they are walking in the same direction… some of them decided to go back as they couldn’t continue in this road… some of them fell down in the middle… and few of them are continuing with me… but we never meet… We are targeting different Destinations and there is nowhere to go!

Mena Mostafa

Vicious Cycles

It’s like looping in the same track every while and then… People might change, but events remain the same… reactions are the same… and how these different people think and behave is always the same… It’s like being in an endless dream… in which you think you’ll wake up one day to discover that you were living in a nightmare… But… this day never comes… you never wake up… and you always find yourself forced to go on the same track… not allowed to fight back… and can’t change what you see nor what you suffer from… You wake up every day to find yourself inside the same nightmare… and you resume looping while knowing what will come next… they became very predictable… everything is exactly the same and sometimes you might be surprised by repeated occurrences!! You are the only difference… not because you have the sense to discover this truth, but just because they are unconscious… I am trying to find the exit point… but in these Vicious Cycles my life goes on… It’s mad and it hurts.

Mena Mostafa

Music Note

I’m not exactly sure what’s wrong… but for sure something is… It’s like listening to a nice piece of music or a symphony while your ears are hurt by a constant dissonant note… but it’s not only my ears that suffer… it’s my heart and my mind too… my whole self is suffering from the various inharmonious notes that surround me… I try to comfort myself by thinking that it’s being played with the wrong instrument as it doesn’t seem logical that all other pieces can be that terrible… but I am not convinced with the idea… It’s no more the peaceful harmonious Music Note it used to be… and it can no longer flow with the other notes or coexist with them… it really can’t… it’s dissonant and companionless… but always their sounds will remain heard in its background as it will never get rid of them or help them play them the correct way.

Mena Mostafa

The Whiteboard

Many many pens wrote on it… and most of what was written was easily and rapidly erased… but it had the chance to absorb the ink of most of the markers… It isn’t new nor clean as it was many years ago… and it’s not bright any more… It might not encourage new pens to write on it… but definitely it became like an old book… with no pages… and no words… but full with the traces of different colors and inks of the diverse pens and markers… Currently, there are no apparent writings on it… only some marks recording what it went through during its life time… When you look at it… you can read nothing… though it has it all inside… It feels as if it has forgotten everything that passed on it and that it went through… but I am sure that some things are still there… and that it is still The Whiteboard I used to know… but unfortunately it thinks that it is no more white and is no more a board!

Mena Mostafa

Language

Every day we chat and talk with each other in different topics varying between daily situations we face… problems we have… cases we believe in or fight for… criticizing people… worshipping the past… looking for and fearing from the future… cursing some circumstances… wondering about how better we can make our lives… And when we talk… we use many languages other than English, Arabic… French or so… we talk personal… emotional… technical… professional… We might understand each other and we might not… Sometimes, others might perceive what you say as incomprehensive symbols or might not taste the color of your feelings or understand the meaning of your words… but we keep communicating… just to be together as we share places and moments… and we have to talk… Most of the times, I feel I talk a foreign language that the world can’t understand and that I can’t also understand what the world around me is saying… The language I miss the most is the language I still couldn’t find someone who can understand and share with me… the language I only to talk to myself with… It’s the language of life… my life Language.

Mena Mostafa

Circular Squares

You may find it stupid to ask yourself or others how does a circular square look like? But in today’s world with all the contradictions we have around… and with all the situations we face daily … I find it kind of normal to wonder about such a subject… specially that it became very hard to differentiate between the white and the black… the truth and the lie… and of course between a shape and another… In some situations we can’t even differentiate between the live and the dead… light and darkness… And sometimes, when we meet people, we are not sure whether they are actual people or if they are shadows of them or maybe they are pillars as real people don’t exist anymore! Everything became so messy so that you no longer know your identity… your belonging and whether you are where you think you are or somewhere else!
Again, the question remains unanswered… how does a circular square look like? Can it be some kind of a triangular parallelogram for instance?! Or is it just like other Circular Squares?!

Mena Mostafa

Lesson

It’s after big events and major changes in your life that you start thinking or maybe focusing on points that you’ve never had in mind… or maybe that were somewhere there waiting for the time to reveal themselves… At such moments, you start thinking about the purpose of your life and the things that you’ve learned… and lately…
I learned that no one can help you except yourself…
I learned that you can talk but others are not obligated to listen…
I learned that happiness doesn’t exist but you can be self satisfied or content if you want to…
I learned that there is always light somewhere… and that you should seek it…
I learned that fearing from the past and worrying about the future is silly because things change and you change…
I learned that you should experience pain to appreciate tenderness…
I learned that not everything you want is good for you…
I learned that you might be unique but many other people think and feel the same as you do…
I learned that friends are a real gift from God…
I learned that even if you think you are alone, you are not…
I learned that you are there to help someone, and that someone exists somewhere to help you… and that you are there because someone needs you…
I learned that patience is a valuable virtue that many people don’t have…
I learned that every single thing that happens to you has a purpose that you’ll understand at the designated time…
I learned that till you die, there is a place for you on earth…
And the biggest Lesson of all is that we live to die, so we should make sure we’ll die decently.

Mena Mostafa

2nd Level

It’s like watching a movie in the cinema… or standing in the balcony of the second or third floor… You’re in the place… you can partially share and interact… but you are not really part of what’s going on… you know that sooner or later the movie will end or that you’ll leave the balcony and go to somewhere else. I keep having this feeling since a while ago... I watch as if I am not there or not part of what’s going on around me… always thinking about the time things will end and that I’ll be moving to somewhere else soon… The only problem is that I don’t know when I’ll be leaving or for how long and how I’ll be able to bear this feeling… It’s like existing in another level of life… the 2nd Level… where you watch… think… judge… remember… fear… dream… despise… pity… and wish this comes to an end… but where you cannot live.

Mena Mostafa

Catalyst

By definition, it’s “a substance that speeds up a chemical reaction, but is not consumed by the reaction; hence it can be recovered unchanged at the end of the reaction it has been used to speed up, or catalyze”. I keep feeling like a substance that speeds up “live” reactions while not consumed by them… but I don’t remain unchanged… every time I catalyze something, I feel that I lose a part of myself while becoming… stronger… I lose the soft part of myself and I start to speed up other reactions for other people… and after too many reactions… I became consumed and I started to realize the real meaning of being a Catalyst… it is not being or becoming something yourself or for yourself… it is being there for a purpose that most probably you won’t be able to recognize or understand before some time… all you can know is that you should be there at the specified moment to speed up some “reaction”… we don’t choose to be this substance… rather… we’re chosen to be.

Mena Mostafa

Human

Ever since people invented computers, they try to create exact copies of themselves and to implant them in their brains… They try to simulate the way people think, behave and feel to give these machines a human touch… While doing so, people completely ignored the digital nature of these machines and their right to remain with their identity which differentiates them from “people”… Now… and after I understood this fact… I found myself trying to simulate what is going in his digital life in order to survive… I tried everything… I troubleshot my problem…reviewed my logs… searched on the internet for a solution… downloaded experience packs… stood up for a while… and finally I gave up and restarted … I hope this will be of help… otherwise, the only solution will be a complete aggressive formatting… I really envy him… we grew up together… he remained Robot and I became Human! And I really find it very hard to be a human.

Mena Mostafa

Common Ground

I am not sure whether I face this problem alone or if there were others who think the same way too… I find it very hard to understand myself… One day she wants something that I don’t agree on and the other day she just lets it go… One day she’s very upset with things I find very normal and the other day she forgets about them… Most of the times she abandons ideas after convincing me with them… and most of the times, we don’t reach an agreement till after a conflict ending with a big fight… We didn’t mature together, and we became very different… but the only common point between us is that we both try to solve our problems as soon as they emerge… we try to be friends though we’re not compatible at all… I am sure that one day we’ll be able to understand each other and this is why I think she is still bearing me till this moment… She’s waiting to reach the Common Ground with me.

Mena Mostafa

Freedom

It usually starts by walking normally on the ground… then gradually, I find myself flying… just me and the sky and everything else becomes of no value as I can no more notice any of them… I keep flying till I wake up… and I really hate this moment…. it’s when I realize that I was dreaming… but the good thing is that this dream keeps repeating itself night after night… I wish that in any of these nights I don’t wake up again… This is where I want to be… this is where I feel free… I see nothing but what I want to see… the sky… the birds… the clouds and some green and blue areas far away with some small shining lights… I can take a complete tour around the globe in no time… I race birds… jumping from one cloud to another approaching the moon and the stars… I laugh with the wind… I melt myself with rain drops… and I feel the Freedom I seek and miss in my conscious life… No more chains… no more burdens… only my own sky… and my own me.

Mena Mostafa

Lost

It is very hard to keep thinking without reaching a solution… It’s also harder when you discover that you don’t know what you really want from this world… and it is the hardest when you feel that you no longer belong to it… A while ago, I started looking at things and interpreting them very differently… first, I thought I was maturing due to some changes in my life’s circumstances… but now, I started realizing that I have a severe problem… a problem which I ignore the nature, the root cause… and the resolution… all that I know is that I feel different, I think different… and I even breathe different… I can’t see one day ahead… and I don’t want to… I feel Lost… completely Lost… I keep praying to get out of this state… and I wish I can recover soon… I know I will with God’s will… Patience is all what I need.

Mena Mostafa

My Friends

"Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare… False friends are like leaves, found everywhere", unknown author.
From time to time, I stop to think about my life to reassess it… I do my calculations to evaluate what I gained, what I lost and what I learned… This time, I found that it is not about the targets I achieved or the opportunities I lost… rather it’s about the friends I have… I met a lot of people during the past years… some I am still in touch with… some I can hardly remember and unfortunately some I forgot… I found that the real gain in my life’s short trip is the friends I have… I am grateful for every friend I had even though if it turned out that this friend was a false one… I am thankful for every friend who stood by my side in the hard times… and who shared the good moments with me… The trip is not about the roads we walk… it is about the friends we meet… I hope you feel the same about me My Friends.
"A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget…", unknown author.

Mena Mostafa

In The Night

The wind was very nice… tender and delicate… I was the only one who couldn’t feel its coldness… my clothes were flapping… and the only thing I was thinking about was to breathe as much as I can to save its odor in my brain and to print its image in my mind… I was waiting for this moment a long time ago… and I know I might not see it again… I like the darkness… I was standing on the shore… some meters away from the waves… they were somehow in rage… but it wasn’t because of me… I know they could hear me… I know they could feel me… I felt I was part of them… I felt I belong there… I wanted to touch them… to throw myself in their heart… I wasn’t scared… I heard them calling me… but I didn’t have enough courage to answer them… to let myself melt in them… I kept looking at them wishing I can stay in this place forever… only to hear and see the waves in the darkness… In The Night… the night to which I belong.

Mena Mostafa

River of Madness

It’s full of water… plenty of it… and it’s available for all… and of course they all drink it… and they are all happy… except me… I see things they can’t see… and I still feel what they can’t feel … they don’t understand me… or they do understand but they can’t help me… they got used to it… they got used to this stupid of feeling of not feeling anything… of negativity… of letting things go… of accepting what I can’t live with… I feel like a crazy person… or maybe I am crazy… I can’t bear what they see normal… and I can’t live this life any more… I’ve had enough… I ask myself whether they are conscious or not… why am I so different… why can’t I admit the truth… why can’t I adapt to it… I am not sure whether I am forced to do so or not… All that I can say is that… I can’t drink from this water… I’d rather die thirsty than drinking from this River of Madness.

Mena Mostafa

Stranger

I don’t know what to call this state… I am here… but I feel as if I don’t exist… I hear people… but I don’t understand them… I touch things… but I don’t feel them… I eat food… but I don’t taste it… I can’t stay awake… and I don’t sleep… I am home and I feel that I want to go home… People talk to me… and I don’t know what they want to say… I can’t be like others and I can’t make them understand me… I can’t adapt to their way of living… and I can’t leave them… I am somehow bound to this place although I don’t belong to it… I believe in things others ignore… I perceive things other can’t see… I value habits others despise… I can’t see the exit sign… and I can’t stay either… I am looping in my mind… living in my dreams… running from my life… and… trying to convince myself that I am a Stranger in this world… maybe this is how I can survive!

Mena Mostafa

Metamorphose

Changes are not easy to accept specially when they come at late stages of age… they are also very hard to think about when they don’t complement what you have lived for… instead they tear down everything you thought was beautiful… they contradict your beliefs and destroy your values… they make you become someone else… someone you never even imagined you can or will be… but you have to… and you have to throw away everything that opposes these new ideas… and to enforce yourself to be this new thing you hate… the thing you fought a lot to avoid… or maybe to delay… because it looks now that it was unavoidable… It’s time for my Metamorphose… I have to… and I hate to.
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it", Mary Engelbreit.

Mena Mostafa

Mountain

Many many years ago… I was standing at its bottom… looking at its top… dreaming to attain it… and thinking about means to help me fulfilling my dream. I walked a lot… took tours around it… planned for every step I’ll take to be there… and started my trip… I started to climb… and it wasn’t easy… too many rocks I had to move… too many turns I had to take… obstacles everywhere… but… I was really determined to reach it… determined and hard headed… nothing could have stopped me… Many times, I was subject to fall… but my insistence was stronger… I could always find ways to keep going up… I didn’t stop to rest or to take my breath… There were no milestones for me… but one… only one… the top… the top which when I approached, I discovered that I was climbing the wrong Mountain… and now… I look back to the bottom… and I only have one feeling… I want to throw myself. I don’t know which is worse… to stay at the bottom… or to fall from the top!

Mena Mostafa